| A year ago(March) a woman came into the cafe one day. She was old and blind but she came right to the counter to look right at me. She asked me who lives in a different state that I know but before I could muster an answer she told me they love me every much and I will move there someday. I hope I can someday figure out who, and when and why. A few weeks later I asked my ex fiance if he would ever consider a move to fl. for a few years to be closer to my family and his negative answer made my stomach flip flop in dread. My view on life has changed immensly in a year. I have so many more goals I want to accomplish in a year. Learn to drive a stickshift, drive a motorcycle, parachute out of a plane, climb a mountain, travel to Oregon and California, finish school without debt, learn more about video games, pay off my library card maybe go out dancing. The first day after Nino and I had broken up I think I was more upset about the rejecion and dissapointment that I knew he didnt REALLY love me or want to get married. When I told him not to contact me anymore things became a little clearer; more stable. I feel like a happier person and I like myself again. He was always trying to mold me into a phone loving, overgifting, heroworshiping, dependant, motherly person. Im not any of those things. Some days it is easy for me not to talk to anybody at all, Im not very creative with gifts for no reason and Im fiercely independant I hate the phone and I usually figure things out on my own. Ive had to. At 17 my Dad once told me "Dont tell me what you're PLANNING on doing, show me; prove it." I have ever since. Thats not to say Ive never had help but I saved up, got a job, a phone, a place to live whether that meant sleeping on the ground outside for a summer or my car some days in the winter, the hardwood floor with a blanket for over a year or finally a real life bed. I never looked back(kind of...I may have tried to once before realizing there is no rewind button on life) I somehow manage my meager salary to buy everything myself, clothe and feed myself. Nino was so blessed but never knew it. His mother supported him she cooks his meals, does his laundry and his pay (if he is working) only has to stretch to pay the car payment. He is shielded which is probably the reason he never understood why I was always trying to hide my money troubles or got upset when the total at the store was a few dollars more than I thought or why I hated having to be on birth control(that not only caused horrendous side effects but cost anywhere from $14-75 monthly) Breakups tend to make you feel shattered and vulnerable but you can pick up the pieces if you want to. I chose to made a good riddance list of all the qualities that irked me, why we werent compatible, of all the arguments and especially WHY we broke up. I kept the mean text messages and emails. I got rid of all of the clothing that reminded me of him and most pictures. I believe I held on for so long out of hope. Hope that things would be normal again. Hope that he really believed he loved me as much as he said he did. Hope that the future I envisioned with him would play out. Now I hold out hope for myself only, hope that there is a man that will accept me in all of my forms, hope that I can live up to my own expectations, and for the fact that I no longer have anything or anyone standing in front of my dreams. I expect a lot out of myself in a year I suspect its long overdue to get started..... |
Maybe I'll walk around central park next week.